Already got asked if we're dating
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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