I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
