Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
