I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
