I think my vagina is haunted
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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