Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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