The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
