I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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