You made me cry and you don't even care
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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