I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
