Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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