I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
