I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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