Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
