You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
