i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
