...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
