vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
