I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
