weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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