I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
