I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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