how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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