what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize