Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
