Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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