Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Will exercising make me less horny?
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