What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
