Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
