my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
