party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
