i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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