dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
