I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
