I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
