the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
