so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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