woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
