My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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