I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's official drugs can't kill me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
