He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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