dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
