i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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