Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
