omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My vagina is officially offended.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
