put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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