You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize