Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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