You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
