mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
