so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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