If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize