I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
