oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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