I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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