everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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