Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No...this little piggys going to the bar
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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