There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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