I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
