Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
