I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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