I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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