I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
