Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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