Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
