he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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